The Blog of holoz0r

Can't read my hand writing?

It, whatever that means, indicates, I think, in this sentence, yesterday. I'm not sore today, but for some reason I have a sense of irritability that I somehow cannot shake, or define the root cause of.

I've tried. Maybe, by the end of this page, I might be able to figure our what or why. I'll only find out by keeping up the flow of ink onto the paper.

Funny that I write that down, because it isn't efficient. Not at all. But it is one thing - it is easier than addressing my irritability.

Yesterday, I had an early start, to go to my friend's house to help her and her partner move. That's not why I'm irritated. I love them, and am lucky to enjoy the tolerance and gratitude of her family.

Perhaps I'm irritated because I haven't been irradiated by the sunshine for over a week now, and yesterday wasn't an exception to that. It's been an absolutely fucking miserable four days - weather wise, rain, clouds, darkness.

I never though I'd long for the sunshine.

There is also other bits of thought that splinter the calmness of my mind. I feel like the end may somehow be arriving for our cat, Mia. I don't know that feel is the right word, but perhaps instead it should be fear.

About two months ago, she spent a few nights at the vet, with several compaction, basically the whole notion of "if you don't shit , you die" - taken to lethal levels. She made it through with laxatives and some pain meds, but these last few days, she's vomited after her evening meal. This isn't normal or healthy.

This morning, when I wake ok (dramatically late for me) I cleaned everything cat related to ensure it wasn't hygiene related. Dinner time for the cat isn't for a few more hours, so I will know at some point later today if that were a contributing factor.

Perhaps this impending pang of potential loss is the root cause of my underlying, irate mood. Perhaps it is also a sense of disquiet, a lack of financial focus, or the feeling of worthlessness that comes with applying for so many jobs - or looking at ads for vacancies which are thinly veiled examples of modern slavery.

There will be a job out there for me - but after my thirteen years at my old workplace, it is only now, three months later, that I feel as though I am finally able to relax.

And that is something I struggle with. My life is always driven by purpose and given meaning by achievement. When I faced with nothing to achieve, I am overcome with the guilt of indulgence, of choice, and how irresponsible it might be to enjoy myself.

I want to read books. I want to become compelled by worlds not my own. I want to play games, I want to be immersed in stories not of this Earth, to perhaps see an achievement pop up.

I want the space and time to write my own tales. I have so many plans, so many dot points, so many ideas. Somewhere, a voice in the back of my head tells me, too, that I want to cry, but for which there is no justification.

My mind sits in the present, thinking about the discomfort of the future. The present however, is not uncomfortable. It is a place in which I can choose to find joy.

A place where I am cherished and treasured. Perhaps today, I feel irritated, because, today, I am not as productive as I was yesterday, and that demon of indulgence perches upon my shoulder and chirps greedily, even as I write these pages.

However, not all of it is self flagellation and a miserable pool of woe. Quite the opposite, for the future and all of its uncertainties and discomforts are the only place in which I will find joy.

A joy that is richer, deeper and more vivid than any I've ever known.

I just must not let the sleep in I had today allow me to feel guilt tomorrow. My body has its needs, my mind its own.

Today is a single day of discord between the two.

normally I scan these, but today I was too lazy, so I used my phone.