This year, my best mate has spent five months apart from her husband. Work committments and the palliative care and death of relatives in other countries - just the sheer logistics of it has necessated a long time apart. They speak on the phone every day, and would rather be together, but also she enjoys being on her own. It's not a chore for her. He's a lot older than her and she can imagine being on her own just fine after he leaves. It's a sad thought - but she is also independent and likes her own company.
I get that. A few years ago I went around Tassie in my van for nearly a month. I loved it. No arguments about which dirt track to go down or where to park the car at camp. No having to compromise. Just being alone with my thoughts, drifting. Jamie says I can go whenever I like, and means it, but I feel guilty that's he's working and feel like I should be around to support him. In a partnership, this feels right. Sometimes it feels like a sacrifice, but he give up things for me too. It's that give and take they talk about in marriage, right? When I think about being apart, and forever, it's upsetting.
I honestly love my husband. It's me and him against the world, to be all cliche. I love snuggling him and sharing tears and giggles with him. He's my partner in crime and love and we love hanging out together more than anyone else.
Jamie says if I go he'd dig a hole and shovel dirt on his head, but I think he'd just go back to England. Me, I'd probably get a high top van and travel, including overseas, or maybe a Land Cruiser or something.
Yes, solo. It's less complicated. Less messy. My rules. No one telling me what to do (that's a marriage joke, and married people will get it).
I would never remarry, partly because I'd hate all that getting to know you phase as you adjust to a new rhythm of life, but mostly because I don't think I'd meet anyone I'd tolerate as much as I do Jamie. I had pretty high standards for who I could put up with - he's intelligent, and has a mercurial mind to put up with my airy, changeable nature that likes to mix things up and gets bored easily. And he makes me laugh. It took me a long time to meet someone that I loved enough to think that I could spend the rest of my life with them, and believe me, we have days where I wish like hell I wasn't married at all, or at least I wish he'd shut up about tanks, bike packing, AI, and Land Rovers.
My Mum's looking at being alone for the rest of her life now. She's 75, and Dad died at 77 last year. They were married at 16 and loved each other dearly. I don't think she'd ever contemplate another partner - she loved Dad, and that was it. In comparision, my mother in law lost her second husband five years ago, and is now with a new partner, and happier than she's ever been. She's off caravanning around England very aware her partner could die at any moment - he's 80, though spritely, and has a dicky heart. They're taking advantage of what they have and I have never, never seen the woman so light and happy. It's lovely.
Mum and Dad, 1970
I don't know, I guess perhaps I can't imagine myself meeting someone now and having sex and doing all that shit and I'm 54. In twenty years I imagine I'd like it even less. I suppose it'd be fun to have a male (or female) friend or partner, but living together and getting married, nah.
I'm suprised I got married even once.
This is in response to the Ladies of Hive QOTW #248 by @ifarmgirl, which asks: 'Would you consider remarrying or having another partner if you are a 71-year-old widow/widower? Why or why not?'
With Love,
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Marriage is just a symbolic piece of paper. It doesn't change the way I felt about Sharn. I know that might be a shallow approach, but it was a party, a ceremony, some government paperwork, and ... nothing else really changed except "my wife", "my husband", and her last name.
Love, to me, exists outside of labels like marriage and all that sort of stuff. It doesn't increase loyalty, or anything beyond that.
In fact, I wanted to vehemently not get married, because for the most part, marriage is seen to be a religious custom, and if I do not put myself into that category, then I betray my beliefs (I couldn't think of another word!) about it. As a governmental / administrative things, it didn't make life any harder or easier.
I dunno, I'm rambling incomprehensibly, constantly trying to contend with the fact that some day, all things will end. I do take the "til death do you part" bit of the traditional vows very seriously.
Mate, I totally NEVER wanted to get married for above reasons.
But. I met Jamie and fell so in love there seemed no better way to do it. It seemed to honour the depth of our feelings. The vows are whatever. Make them what you will. Write your own. But there's something about the ceremony, the ritual, that was important to us. Both loyal, hopelessly in love. We just knew.
There's a lot of people that get married because they're bored or think they have to. Then there's the adulterers, the people who beat their wives, the emotionally cold, the people not meant to be together. No wonder marriage gets a bad rap.
In England, we had to get married in a church, because you couldn't just get married on a beach like here and to have a non religious ceremony meant big money and a manor house. It was cheaper too, but still I baulked. I was never going to get wed in a church ffs!!!
But. Jamie put it to be like this - him not a God fan either. Marriage is a tradition that goes back hundreds of years. It's part of a western tradition - hand fasting, whatever. It takes many forms, but to vow to dedicate yourself to the other, come hell or high water, is the point. The little church we got wed in had a stone people had been standing on to get married for SEVEN HUNDRED YEARS. It was all worn and smooth. This wasn't about God, but about PEOPLE.
That was so super cool to me.
Marriage can seem like a piece of paper, but it wasn't to us. It was big and grand and beautiful - not the event, but our willingness to submit to each other. Not in a obsequious, service, obey each other kind of submission, but a humble, giving, caring way. Sure, we didn't need the paper for that - the blending of church and state, arguably, but in the absence of other traditions and in the desire to heal our past insecurities and relationship traumas and to step up to be the best people we could be to each other, 'I do' was pretty cool.
But that's just us. Whatever. You do you. We did I do.
22 years later I still like the way 'my wife' sounds when he says it. Always tender.
Mind you, he still mock shouts DONT DO IT if we drive past someone else getting married.
We were going to get married on September 11, because of my beard. I had a friend that used to always ask me if things were ticking. We didn't get married that day. Instead we got married on an unforgettable day.
Do you remember what you were doing on 4/3/21?
I was getting married. After eight? Nine years? of being together.
We got married in the planetarium. Under the (virtual stars). I might be letting too much of atomic origins out by revealing that fact to you, but we had like... 30 people present.
I lost it at this.
🤣🤣
Getting married at the planetarium is well cool.
I also had 30 at my wedding. Then is kids (30 year olds) danced around the fire to a folk band, took pills and doofd til 6 am.
I think I posted pics of it at some point in '21 - I have posted A LOT, and that's a long way to scroll.
Damn you inefficient search tools
And in the morning Dad, Tam and I went swimming in freezing English waters and I will also not forget that. We were the only ones crazy enough, or maybe in love with life enough, to do so.
Note the flag
I think at this point it was Orbitals Dr Who
😃 I would be scared staying away from my husband that long. Not in a country where there are many husbands snatchers
Really?? You have to fight them off with a stick? Sounds to me that's something wrong with the men in allowing themselves to be snatched, babe..
I like to be alone for 1-2 weeks. Then it is nice to meet my wife when both missed each other. I remember that at 30 I enjoyed solitude and I didn’t need anyone around me.
Me too .. and that's exactly when I met hubs 🤣🤣
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A solo life, I'd love that too. I dislike complicated situations, lol! Traveling is more fun :) And it's just hard to imagine getting into a new romantic partnership, especially after spending decades with the first, whom you love deeply.
Ugh, the thought of 'dating' again. Awkward!!
I really doubt I'd ever find anyone who would begin to compare to my husband. But I think I'd like to have someone to support my life on the farm. It's mighty hard by myself. But I doubt I could live with some one again.. As you say, no one telling you what to do...
Yeah it's a double edged sword! Nice to have someone to share life's burdens with, but nice not to be ordered about 🤣🤣🤣
I always love hearing your thoughts about this kind of thing! It might sound cliche also, but it's super empowering to me how independent (and proud of it) you are <3 Obviously, I'm looking at things from a different point, but frankly, I hugely resonate with this. There's a strength in being able to be solo and not feel like less, or like you're missing out or whatever, and not everyone is capable of this.
Also, it's a beautiful balance because it's evident to anyone who knows you here how fond you are of Jaime and what a beautiful relationship you guys have, so it's clearly not one of those embittered married people wishing they weren't "tied down". To quote social media, #goals. :)
Yeah that's it. I adore him, but I don't like being co dependent and I know my own mind.
I met a 70 year old the other day who hasn't lived with her husband full time in forty years. She just stays with him a few months every year and then goes off volunteering in India or something. So cool.
Stay apart for few days then it starts upsetting, so short breaks are ok, but never a long one.
When Dad was dying Jamie was in England and it was awful .. I needed his support so much. I was glad he came back for the last month.
Yes, being together at difficult situations means a lot, I know that feeling.
Although I've been single all my life, I somehow still believe finding the right guy to spend your life is possible. I also believe in aliens and other weird stuff :)) The question is finding the right guy, as I don't believe in marriage just for the sake of it... Yes, there were times when I could've used someone to share a burden with... but I survived.. A few of my numerous siblings dig tie the knot and their marriages were sad and generally unhappy, so I saw nothing to envy there.
Can't you just tune it out, like one does with kids who won't stop talking when you have something else on your mind :))
Viéndolo desde esa perspectiva, tienes mucha razón, tú teniendo a tu compañero, que se aman como se aman, has deseado estar soltera😅😂
Y yo, deseando casarme, pero leyendo tu publicación, me doy cuenta que estar sola es bueno, no es necesario tener a alguien al lado, y menos cuando esa persona no te da el valor y lugar que te corresponde. Gracias por cambiar mi visión. Dios te bendiga
And I, wanting to get married, but reading your post, I realize that being single is good. It's not necessary to have someone by your side, especially when that person doesn't give you the value and place you deserve. Thank you for changing my perspective. God bless you.
Couldn't agree more.
I also found it inspiring how different people in your life handled love and loss in their own ways. It shows that there’s no one “right” path. Thank you for sharing your story—it gave me a glimpse into what love might look like down the road.
Agree with you, when you love being in a couple they feel that desire to support each other, and yes, being solo is also less complicated, as you say, no one tells you what to do I agree with you that it would be fun to have a friend or partner, but living together and getting married at that age I think I would not, it was a pleasure reading you, thanks for sharing your experiences, !LADY !PIZZA
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What a beautifully honest reflection, @riverflows! 🙌 The independence within partnership and the complexities of choosing solo life versus remarriage are truly resonates ✨ It's clear your connection with your husband is unique, built on deep understanding and humor 💕 Thank you for sharing such personal thoughts 😊