The Blog of juwon-btc

When I first got this question, I had to really sit down and think things through. I couldn’t just say I’m fully optimistic or completely pessimistic because, honestly, I’ve been both at different points in my life, depending on the situation. Life has taught me that your mindset can shift based on experiences, the people around you, and even how you’re feeling at the moment.

There was a time during my first year in the university that I failed a course. I can never forget that experience. I had already gone home for the holidays when the result came out. I opened my school portal and saw that I had failed—it was such a heartbreaking moment. That was actually my first ever university exam, and seeing that “F” just crushed my spirit. I felt so down, almost like I wasn’t good enough. And to make matters worse, I didn’t even know how to tell my mum. I was scared she would be disappointed or angry.

But I eventually gathered the courage to tell her, and to my surprise, she didn’t insult me or make me feel worse. Instead, she just told me to look for a way to pass the course next time and that I should’ve prepared better. Those simple words really stayed with me and even gave me hope. So I then decided to carry the course over, and the following year, I sat for it again with my juniors—and this time, I passed with a B. That moment showed me the optimistic side of myself: I may fall, but I don’t stay down for long.

But then again, I’ve also seen my pessimistic side show up, especially when I’m dealing with things that seem tough from the start. A good example of this happened recently during my I.T. defence presentation. Each of us was asked to come out, one after the other, and explain what we learned during our training—both in crop and animal production. I was specifically told to talk about the vegetables we planted, which were African spinach and Ewedu.

I happened to be one of the last people to present out of 13 students, so I had already watched several of my classmates go before me. What made me uneasy was that while others were presenting, some of the lecturers were laughing and making jokes, especially when someone didn’t express themselves well or made small mistakes. That alone put fear in me. Before I was even called to speak, I had already convinced myself that I was going to mess up or be laughed at too. That negative mindset really affected my confidence.

So when it was finally my turn, I stood up and did my best, but then the fear had already gotten the better of me. I wasn’t as bold or clear as I wanted to be. In fact, one of my teachers ended up criticising me for not being confident enough, and unfortunately, it cost me some marks.

And then there’s the emotional side of things. I once got a girl’s number through her friend. Even though I knew there was a chance she might not be interested, I still texted her. We had great conversations—until she asked me for a picture. Now, because I’ve been rejected a few times in the past after sending my picture, I started thinking negatively again. I was sure she would stop talking to me after seeing it. And sadly, that’s exactly what happened. After I sent the picture, the vibe just changed. I didn’t even bother chasing anymore because my pessimism had already convinced me it was over. I think that kind of fear has made me avoid approaching girls for some time now. I normally overthink and ask myself, “What if she doesn’t find me attractive?” or “What if she thinks I’m not good enough or not rich enough?”

So yes, I do believe I’m both optimistic and pessimistic—just in different ways. I think my optimism helps me fight through tough academic and life challenges, but when it comes to things like relationships or self-image, my pessimism tends to creep in, probably because of past experiences and the pressure society puts on how someone should look or what they should have.

At the end of the day, I’m learning to balance both sides and not let the pessimism stop me from trying. It’s a journey, but then i believe I’m getting there.

Thanks for reading.